I’m sitting in my room typing this in a huge state of disbelief that the semester is over. Next term, I won’t have regular classes because I’ll be working on my thesis. So this week marked, my final writing workshop, my last literature seminar, and my last class as a TA. Wow.
It’s been my best and worst semester, which always seems to be how these things go for me. Approaching the end of things is hard for me. I put a new pressure on myself and on my experience. I want to be the best. And I want everything I’m doing to be the best. I struggled a lot this semester with wanting to be further in my journey to publishing a book and grappling with the idea that I don’t know exactly what comes next.
I had the best of all possible problems when I had to decide between a favorite author and a very well respected book editor for my thesis advisor. But that doesn’t mean it wasn’t hard to decide. I also had to decide between friends for my peer review group for next semester. That was hard and I don’t know that I handled it well, but I do know that I did my best. And I am beyond excited at the team I’ve assembled to help me write my novel next semester.
Doubt is easy, especially in writing. At this stage there is very little outside validation and no guarantees that I will ever be published. Still, I’m proud of working through these emotions and committing to working through these emotions next semester. I love writing. I love the process. And one-day some-day I might love the outcome/product/reward as well. But even if I don’t I can’t imagine learning more about writing or gaining more confidence than I have over the last year and half at New School.
This post is sounding way more down than I expected or desired. A lot of really lovely/cool things happened this semester. I loved getting to study with author, Sarah Weeks, who’s written over 50 books for kids. I travelled way outside the box and took a class on experimental poetry … and I’ve totally fallen in love with this new medium. I did a public reading for the first time, and people actually laughed. I learned I really enjoy teaching writing. I saw so many cool authors read, and met E. Lockhart who was the subject of my critical thesis last year. Totally crazy.
I’m learning to be more honest and more confident and trust my instincts. I’m learning to be grateful for hard experiences that push me to grow. And I continue to be beyond grateful to get to study children’s books, despite some struggle this semester I still totally can’t believe this is my life. So yeah, third semester down and one more to go. And then who knows … but probably something exciting.